When I’ve Supped on Fear

by Sage Ravenwood

I feared going deaf and then I did. Terrified of

losing sight. Deaf already haunts my bones.

Fear feeds a quiet madness for simple things. Simple

non-threatening, precautionary, better safe than sorry;

I’m sorry, I’m deaf – eye exam things. Today. I’m the

first deaf client the optometrist has seen. Not

helping. What an honor. I was fine, really. How many

ways can you say deaf. I can’t hear you if I can’t see you,

if I can’t, if I can’t speak because this quiet madness

is crawling up my throat. I’m – I am fine. Really.

Five minutes temporarily light blind. Blind

hope/faith – unseen. Back over my left eye

again and again. Breathe. Cowardice traps

eternity in a loop. Memories drag my bed, newly

deaf; please - not this. Isolation chamber. Insomnia,

terrified to close my eyes, immersed in a tomb –

Silent. Dark. Buried. Sleeping – little death.

Panic suckles deaf bones. Finished. Slight deviation, eye-

wear. We’re not done. Waiting for the optician, taste

off. Everyone is staring toward the back room. Crying.

Sobs like a physical thing in the room. Young girl,

Excuse me, excuse me, I’m waiting, flailing - meltdown.

Fear is in my bones too, I whisper. I’m going to miss the honor

society, she whispers. Hysterical, she runs back the way

she came. Someone snarks, her mother needs to get control.

We can’t stop, fear lives in our bones devouring us whole.

Full throttle panic attack. I sensed her turmoil like a physical

blow. Gut punched. I came home, tried to eat, but when

I’ve supped on fear, and it wears my skin, I puke

up what’s left of me. Deaf haunts my bones.

---

Sage Ravenwood is a deaf Cherokee woman residing in upstate NY. She is an outspoken advocate against animal cruelty and domestic violence. Her work can be found in Grain, The Rumpus, Lit Quarterly, Massachusetts Review, Savant-Garde, Santa Clara Review, Janus Literary, Jelly Bucket, Colorado Review, Pangyrus, 128 Lit, Ponder Review, Saranac Review, MORIA, Indianapolis Review, South Dakota Review, and more. Her book, Everything

That Hurt Us Becomes a Ghost is available from Gallaudet University Press.