Second Person (With Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome)

by Katie Darby Mullins

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is a disorder that affects the connective tissues in the body,

which, in the author, causes hypermobility at every joint she’s found and contributed to a stroke she had in January 2017.

How old was I when I became you

When my body/broken learned

How to slide pieces together

While the brain— me?—

Made sure no one noticed? “Your

Memory is not my memory,”

My friends say, my family. Of course.

I didn’t want you to know. In fact, I was

You— thoughts carried around

In a cracked vessel, becoming kintsugi

Seeing the space and lack under X-ray,

Tissue now gold between bone on bone.

Can I ever be the second person?

The one who says yes, it hurts

Always, always. Everything. Because

I hate her. I like the first, where I

Control the things I cannot fix:

I reset bone, I pop back in, I snap

Tiny joints from dis- to located.

The person who can hide a sling

From almost anyone, who covers

Any private injury like it is a treasure,

A secret. You saw that? It’s an inside

Joke, now. My arm fell out of socket.

The snap? It doesn’t hurt. I stopped

Crying out of pain when I was a kid.

Be strong, I say to you. Don’t cry

In front of anyone, for any reason.

I hear it a hundred times: You are weak,

You cannot possibly think anyone

Would believe you. But I know the truth:

People have seen it happen. Your—

No, my body. People have seen me reset

My wrist. People watch ankles out

Crooked under legs. The crack of broken fingers

Turning steering wheels. I cannot keep

Promising myself I’ll argue with the voice.

The voice is so sure. You just want attention,

A doctor said a long time ago. Now I say it to myself.

That was when the first person started disappearing.

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Katie Darby Mullins has been nominated for both the Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net. She's published or has work forthcoming in journals like Barrelhouse, The Rumpus, Iron Horse, Harpur Palate, and Prime Number. She has two books of poetry out (Neuro, Typical, Summer Camp Press, and Me & Phil, Kelsay Books), and recently, she had a song she co-write, “To Have, To Hold” come out on Darren Garvey’s latest record, As a Scribble.